"Everything in life is mind over matter, if you don't mind it doesn't matter!"
I keep on seeking and finding almost every single day my individuality! Rationally I know it's all 'mind manageable', I'm on control of my own thoughts and decisions and I am the only one who can drive myself crazy. Therefore it's a daily life routine to fight my own ghosts, my skeletons hidden in the closet, it's up to me to shut them off for good... but it's a two steps forward and three steps back struggle...and I come across the fear that maybe 'the end has no end' almost every day! When I finally reckon that I am over something, I don't blame myself anymore and it's no longer making me lose any sleep, something triggers me again and then old ghosts meet new regrets!!
I wonder and wonder and wonder, trying to put an end to the stormy flush of selfish and narcissist thoughts that haunt me for years, I've done some major progresses and I've erased and rewind them again, and there's still a lot to be done! So I try to focus on the quote I wrote in the beginning, remembering that I am me, myself and I, and what I choose to do is a no concern to nobody, but still I find myself worrying sick about what others think... I would like one day to claim with certainty this "I just don't give a damn"...
But more recently I've been thinking about my whole life, my nostalgic memories, old and new friends, griefs and mournings, broken heart seasons, promises and betrayals, never ending lies, sorrow,regrets and mistakes... looking at pictures of all my growth and reading almost prehistorical chronicles I used to write! And after all this reflection process I have come to some kind of conclusion or as we might say a discovery... we can change our ways and paths, our decisions and tastes, our amends and compensations, we can improve or even become worse, it can happen naturally or with some enormous effort...but the essence, who we really are it never changes! So we may plan to change in a near future, we keep on re-scheduling our big big twist...we say: someday we won't be afraid of commitment, we will love fearlessly, we will be able to forgive ourselves and others!
But the truth is we keep on re-scheduling, we are stuck in ourselves, so we might as well accept it!! One day someone told me this: 'Here is the truth about the truth...it hurts so we lie'! But I don't want to do that, not to my family, not to my friends or my lovers, and specially to myself... I just don't feel like lying anymore... so face it:
we never change, do we? we never learn, do we?
No...
